Both/And

Debt, Dogs, and the Peek Perspective on Relating to Others

Is it possible to be truly happy for someone else’s situation that you cannot personally relate to?

I was part of a conversation recently where someone was sharing their gratitude and relief that their massive amount of student loans had been forgiven under a federal program, after fulfilling years of the requirements. Instead of overwhelming congratulations and excitement from her peers, she was met with stories of how others had paid off all of their loans, without aid. Comments flooded in from other healthcare professionals who couldn’t fathom that they had paid off every penny of theirs, and here was someone else whose loans had been forgiven. It wasn’t “fair.”

Yes, this was an online conversation. But we aren’t talking about 5 year olds who commonly say their older siblings’ privilege “isn't fair” (or is that just around my house?!) We are talking about full grown, doctorate level professionals.

But because these individuals couldn’t personally relate to this journey, they had a hard time separating their own experience from holding joy for another person’s good fortune.

This happens in realtime conversations offline, too. Someone runs a marathon. Someone has a baby in their 40s. Someone starts a business. Someone does a hard thing that others around them can’t personally imagine doing.

And instead of being met with genuine and authentic excitement for that person, humans so often impose our own experience/goals/reality with our initial reaction of, “I can’t even imagine doing/having/experiencing that…”

The good news is that we don’t have to personally imagine or understand or have experienced the same thing to be genuinely happy for another person’s situation. Our lack of desire or experience in that particular area doesn’t diminish their joy of accomplishment.

Would I have loved for mine and the other Dr. Peek’s combined $300k+ of student loans from our total of 15 years of college and graduate school to be forgiven?! Absolutely.

Many of my friends had the privilege of higher education without going into student loan debt the way we did. But for us, it was necessary. And then it was necessary for us to live well below our means for years to prioritize paying off every penny of those massive loans (and then some). It was painful at times.

But. When I read the news that my colleague’s loans had been forgiven?! I was truly overjoyed for her. What a GIFT. I didn’t receive that same gift, but it does not diminish the immense celebration-worthy response that she deserves.

We can be both/and.

Both wishful that we could relate to someone else’s experience (or in some cases, are thankful we can’t relate) AND be genuinely happy for their situation.

This isn’t always easy to do, and it’s human nature to compare our own experiences to another’s. I’m preaching to myself here, too. It often feels easier to put someone else in my shoes than to put myself in theirs.

Next time someone shares a circumstance they are happy about - especially if it’s one you can’t relate to - take note of your initial response. Be curious about your reaction. Did you immediately insert your own experience/opinion/relatability? Or could you allow yourself to experience true joy for them?

On a lighter note…a puppy adopted our family this week. It was somewhat unexpected, and for us, it was the sweetest gift. Our daughters delighted in coming home to find this after school surprise. The humor in the situation was the response from my friends…some were delighted at our golden luck, while others couldn’t even imagine. They thought I was crazy. (Did I mention that the other Dr. Peek was out of town this week and I was solo parenting during the start of May-cember, the craziest time of the school year?!) And I decided now was a good time to add a pup?! I guess you’re either a dog person, or you’re NOT…

Goldie and Poppy

But really, can you even handle this sweetness?! It’s okay, you can be happy for me…even if you aren’t a dog person ; )

Both/and,

Dr. Peek